There are days where tears bleed as rain and my soul feels swallowed whole by weakness and pain.
I waft into insubstantial shadow, blurred outline, smudged nothingness.
Missing the usual places of validation where my insecure soul gets fed.
Finding that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has come sooner to my world as autumnal weather drifts early into our shores, rendering me a mess of emotions.
Needing to stay still, lay down body, hopes and desires. Surrender and sink into unconditional Love’s embrace.
And as I’ve been alternately surrendering and resisting deep soul rest, I sense God asking me to say yes to so many things.
It’s not easy at all, more like a dying on the inside, a howl of outrage and fear of missing out, anxiety over losing acceptance.
Because who am I if I don’t have a face, a voice, connection and a presence on social media?
Who am I? A woman who feels likes she’s drowning in her own seeming insignificance, apparently.
Nevertheless, I am slowly surrendering my need of people approval and leaning into His alone.
And finally beginning to stop begrudging this season of ceasing, of pulling back, of being an edge dweller.
Because deep inside? This hurting child knows that her Father’s wishes are ones to heed, and she whispers her reply.
Yes to being on the margins of life when I’m too weary to participate.
Yes to having deep dependence on Him day by day.
Yes to finding worth and value, significance and strength in Him alone.
Yes to His timing and His plans, and yes to seeking after His heart rather than any other.
I don’t want to say yes
to being insignificant,
small; I don’t want to let
go of desiring to have it all
In saying yes to less
I’m inviting obscurity
to define me more than
any worldly success
Then I remember how you
laid down your heavenly
crown, came manger-wrapped
as a tiny one who never stopped
being God’s only begotten Son
You chose to stay humble
walk a challenging road
bearing our burdens and
sin’s heavy load, while your path
led you to suffering on a cross
with a willing yes as you bore
humanity’s pain and dross
Now with arms open to
all mankind, you welcome
us into a significant life
marked by surrender and
being small, saying yes
to life’s best yes of all
Friend, if life or your own thoughts are giving you a hard time too, may I suggest you dive deeper into God’s love for you? Resting in His love is the only place where we can feel safe, protected and truly accepted.
I wasn’t going to write today. Because words haven’t been flowing freely lately and I’ve been way too tired to think straight. Maybe you’re there too? Perhaps you can remember, along with me, that it’s not a permanent place, just a pausing point and breathing space.
But God had other ideas as He planted a few lines of this poem into my mind while I was dreamily drifting. And He gave me the ability and grace to write the rest out of my imperfection and weakness, and also say a heartfelt yes to participating with the lovely five-minute-friday community as they explore the power of ‘Yes’ today. Come join us?