Lost time

Do you ever wonder where time disappears to? Me too.

Each and every one of us has the same 24 hour allocation yet none of us will spend those hours in exactly the same way.

As an M.E and chronic illness sufferer, time may seem endless in terms of hoping for improvement and recovery.

Sleep can prove elusive and erratic.

Rest is far from restful if pain intrudes too much.

The life I dream of seems to slip through my fingers like grains of sand while I scramble to catch them.

Where did all those wasted minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and even years go?

I was laid low,  or slept through many of them.

Moans at midnight.  Sighs at dawn.  A body rising stiff to greet a day already half over for many.

Here I am:

A woman with training and experience that lies wasted.

A nurse needing care myself.

A poet penning in PJs.

A wife without the means to be a proper helpmate or companion.

I wrote the poem below at such a time of introspection. It spoke for how I felt then and may speak into your situation too.

‘Black Hole’

There’s a space

in my life

where time disappears

down a black hole

already littered

with discarded hopes

dreams and desires

enough to fill

several craters

stacked high

or light

a multitude

of funeral pyres

Where does it all go?

How do these things

slip away

from my grasp

writhing hither and thither

with eel-like slither

when all I want

to do

is clasp them

to my heart

and cry, “Stay!”

Maybe I’ve

risked too much

extended thought

and expended energy

on things not

really meant to be

some crazy schemes

foolish inanities

to become

a bonfire

of the vanities

©JoyLenton2013

And yet..

This is looking at things from a limited human perspective only.

Time is redeemable when our days and ways are surrendered to the One beyond its restrictions.

He uses everything in our lives for His purposes. Not a crumb is wasted.

How do you feel about time disappearing? 

On a day like this

Each new day holds hope and potential, promise and purpose to be revealed.

Each day is gift and blessing to unfold.

Only some days feel heavy and weighty.

Time disappears and nothing gets done.

Moments slip away like sand.

I have many days like that with M.E when symptoms are worse.

All that can be done is to ‘go with the flow’, be it turgid and slow.

The poem below was written on such a day as this.

‘This day’

This is a day for sheltered darkness ~

windows closed tight ‘gainst sound and sight

curtains shielding all piercing light,

weary frame resting in the bed

trying to still restless thoughts in my head,

feeling weak, exhausted and drained

in a body racked with pulsating pain

as I wonder ~ with some despair ~

if this pain will ever cease or disappear.

And I sense Holy Spirit’s soft caress

in my heart as He draws near

to impart wisdom in the way He does best.

For He can calm and still every storm

bring comfort to all who are lost or forlorn,

bring hope, joy and peace again

to heart, mind and body

made heavy with pain.

All God is asking of me today

is to sink grateful, restful

into His loving embrace

and drink deep draughts

of His sustaining grace,

trust and believe for healing

in days yet to come

while He keeps revealing

strength to endure

this particular one.

©JoyLenton2013

These seasons of pain, stress, strain and disease literally drive us to our knees and make us cry out to God for help and relief.

They are what shape and make us even as they seem to break us.

God knows. He hears our unspoken fears. Sees tears shed and fall and captures them all. Nothing gets past Him.

And when it feels like we cannot go on a minute longer, there is grace given to endure and perseverance to make us stronger than we were before.

Christ-like character is honed in the furnace of affliction and deep spiritual work takes place within.

We can take heart as the heat and flames lick ever closer, knowing our God is in the midst of them with us and will bring us out the other side ~ with ash and soot clinging to our frame maybe ~ but with a deeper dependence on His grace and mercy.

********

Day 31 of 31 days of #poetryforthesoul ~ Thank you for accompanying me on this journey, even if it has taken longer than anticipated! I hope you have enjoyed the variety offered.

And if you are new here, do feel free to check out previous posts. If you have a favourite please let me know as it may find its way into a future anthology. Thanks! I really appreciate you stopping by.