#livingwithME

seeing by the light of a silvery moon

/ Joy Lenton / 8 Comments

write31days-silvery-moon

 

I prefer subdued hues. Bright light doesn’t feature much in our house as I live with my mole-like tendencies. Others adjust – or offer a few seconds warning if they actually want enough light to see something properly.

It’s a hypersensitivity thing induced by having M.E, and it’s a personal preference when a world seems to shout for attention. I love deep and muted shades, softness and calm, though the world invades all too frequently with harshness, glare, noise and storm.

So I tend to want to lower the lights, dim things in my home, turn away from loud and fast and furious. Maybe that’s why I love clouds so much. They’re soft white fluffy pillows floating in azure seas, gilded golden layers revealing sunset’s splendour, or dark brooding heaviness waiting to rain refreshment on us.

My window watching and cloud gazing bring me joy. I could easily lose myself in them, desire to float serenely like they do. I also enjoy clouds when they’re stirred by wind’s breath, blown asunder at the onset of thunder, shredded by strong wind, torn into wispy cotton-wool threads on gentler days.

The moon also brings me joy. Each varied cratered face she shows is a marvel to behold. It doesn’t matter what stage she is at, if she’s displaying a crescent curve smile, suggestive half halo or full gleaming globe, they are all lovely in my eyes.

This poem grew out of observing a silvery moon…

Silvery moon

Sky hangs heavy with shades

of liquid milky-grey

as silvery moon swims and

bathes her benevolent gaze

upon a world melting

all too soon into fading

light while night usurps the day

©JoyLenton2016

Today, I invite you to spend some time looking out the window, or going outside. Take a while to breathe and enjoy the moment, to see and savour signs of creation’s beauty.

And if that seems impossible or invisible to you because of your less than salubrious surroundings, I understand the dilemma, I really do. Few of my photos get shared before being cropped and edited.

Maybe you could try to aim your gaze higher or zoom in on smaller things in the frame of your fixing. Keep looking, say a prayer and ask God to reveal what grace gifts lay literally at your feet, or out the window for you to view.

We journey deeper into joy whenever we can see creation’s beauty and become more appreciative of the world around us. Maybe it will stir gratitude, a prayer, a few whispers from God, a desire to try to capture something in words or via a lens. I’d love you to let me know what you discover, and how joy is unfolding for you.

write31days-silvery-moon-poem

 

31-days-of-journeying-into-joy-badge

Welcome to #day12  of #write31days – where we are discovering ways of  journeying into joy.

I so appreciate you being here, supporting and praying for me as I aim to write more frequently this month. 🙂

Journeying into joy when you feel joyless

/ Joy Lenton / 14 Comments

journeying-into-joy-write-31-days

 

Joy may be my name but it doesn’t always describe my nature. I’m inclined to let my feelings run away with me sometimes, especially those that slide toward life’s dark side.

This season of diminishing light usually means I sit more with sadness and SAD becomes my defining characteristic, as well as a condition I battle with.

And it’s probably because of this propensity that God has lain a word on my heart about the need to deliberately pursue joy in the midst of challenging circumstances.

My journey into joy may sound easy and delightful, (and I hope it will be!), but experience tells me I have a natural bent toward discouragement. It’s one I fight continually in my desire to reveal God’s hope and joy to others.

So I am going against my feelings, aiming to see joy as more than an emotion, and seeking to unearth the fruit of it as a woman of faith who could really use a fresh infusion of joy in her mind and heart. Maybe you do too?

Before we start (October 1st, God willing), I am sharing a poem written at a time when feelings overwhelmed and faith had a fight on its hands. Because we need to acknowledge where we have a joy deficit before we can move forward toward a greater awareness of what sparks joy for us.

Joyless

Today’s events tied me up in knots of stress,

taking captive the better part, no less,

while my worst emotions became unravelled

loose like string, leaving patience looking

patchy, worn and thin. Life will leave

us lifeless, fired up with feelings

which dissipate like a fading wind

 

And I seem to have swallowed a stone

I can’t shift. It sits heavy as iron,

wrinkling up my soul, pressing sharp

edges into my insides. A sour

twisting, turning acid with each

remembrance of how I have failed

to live with joy – as one already blessed

JoyLenton2016

As you can see from the poem above, I really need to fight for joy, to make space each day for happiness and contentment.

It’s not going to be plain sailing because my current life and health challenges make for choppy seas, and daily writing is a big ask for me. However, this wobbly faith warrior has a steel core of confidence in God seeing her through. I believe God has inspired me to undertake this journey and I trust Him to provide as I depend on Him.

I greatly value your prayers, and would love your company here as we learn how to walk with more joy over the days ahead via an eclectic mix of poetry and prose. Come join me? If you would like to follow along, you can do so by signing up via email. See you in October! 🙂

take-the-write-31-days-challenge-500x500

Maintaining a higher perspective

/ Joy Lenton / 6 Comments

maintaining a higher perspective - PJ

 

When life’s demands send us to our knees, or lay us low with illness and fatigue, we receive all the help we need when we look beyond our current circumstances and look up to God.

In the realisation that we have no resources left we are thrown upon God’s mercy and grace, His unlimited strength, stable unchanging character and limitless love.

During the long summer days when I have been absent here, flat-out with fatigue and often too preoccupied to see more than is before me, I’ve found my greatest peace in knowing God has got me covered.

He has given me supernatural strength to care for my husband after his spinal surgery, and energy enough to take on some of the household tasks I usually need to leave in his capable hands.

Yes it’s been tough, really hard and challenging for this woman with M.E. I’ve ached to resume our  normal routine again, because my husband’s recovery has been slow and support from others naturally lessened as the weeks went by.

I couldn’t write or be present on social media like I used to. My life shifted into a new gear,  demanding all I could give and more besides.

But I always knew (and still do as things ease a little) God was with me, with both of us as we adapted to our challenging changing circumstances.

The cloud of God’s presence overshadows every moment, even as His radiance invites us to look for the glints of light peeking through our own clouds.

He sees all our days. They’re spread out before Him  – a tapestry of grace in all its messy, tangled, colourful glory.

He paints beauty within the commonplace and yearns for us to see and sense it, too, those gentle footprints of His presence.

Some days I’ve looked up and watched the glory in the heavens. I’ve also caught a glimpse of things closer to home.

I’ve deliberately been trying to listen to my life, taking photographs of the beauty surrounding me, seeing things from a fresh perspective.

The poem below reveals the advantage of having a lofty perch mentally, if not physically…

A lofty perch

a lofty perch - PJ

They hover on the brink

close to the edge where

talons meet tile.

Their plump grey plumage

mirroring cloud covering.

Eyes scan the horizon

for a soul mate

to share a lofty perch.

A close companion

become a pigeon pair.

And in the courtship dance

they bill and coo their way

upon life’s stage.

Entranced by heights

they stretch and fly

together now, soft dots

against bright curtain swag

of sun and sky

©JoyLenton2016

Friends, it’s  good to be back to writing and sharing here again. I’ve really missed you! Thank you for your patience. Hope you like the new look. The header image is from an arty-style photo of mine taken this summer – an experiment in expressing creativity differently.  What has God has been revealing to you this season? I’d love you to share in the comments below. 🙂

Learning how to yield to rest

/ Joy Lenton / 8 Comments

cat- yielding to rest PJ

It’s natural for cats (and babies) to yield to rest at every given opportunity. They swiftly switch off from the world for a while, whenever they feel like it. But it is not always so easy for the rest of us.

I sense God urging this weary woman to desist from her online labours and rest a while. I’ve already had to pull back from so much, including writing as often as I want to.

Yet I sense a sliver of resistance within, even though I am desperate for rest.

The struggles are manifold for a person with M.E who has to carefully consider the use of all (or any) available energy, engage mindfully, pace and rest regularly on a daily basis. To be asked to do so for weeks at a time seems daunting.

Because rest so often feels like a giving in to insignificance rather than a gentle yielding to necessity.

This feels especially true for writers, who are meant to develop and maintain an online presence, retain their visibility.

Questions arise when we have to withdraw for a while: Who am I if I am not present to the world? How can taking time out be such a blessing to me?

And that’s when God steps in with His thoughts to help still our anxious ones…

Prayer Whisper: ‘Yield to rest’

prayer whisper image

“In rest and repentance lies your strength. In surrender to Me you find your true significance.

Time may be of the essence, but do you not know that I stand beyond its confines?

Have you not considered how I also wrote eternity into your heart so that you would seek Me with an open mind and embrace My love to infinity?

When you resist rest, you resist opportunity to witness My deeds and to hear from Me in the quiet spaces of your day. 

Unless you can release the drive and desire to succeed or to be seen into My hands, you will wear yourself out in circles of comparison and slip into ditches of discouragement.

Come, My child. Come and rest those ambitions, dreams, hopes and plans as you yield them to Me. I am the One who will exalt you in due time when you humble yourself before Me.

It is My greatest desire for you to walk in daily dependence on Me. Watch and see what the Lord will do. No good thing will I withhold from those who love Me and walk according to My precepts.

Come closer. Relax your hold on life and allow Me to carry you as I also keep all things safe. Here, in My Presence, you will find deeper rest and peace than ever before. A peace only I can give you; peace which no-one can take away.

Trust that all your cares and concerns are safe in My capable hands. I know what you can bear and what is too heavy for you to carry.

Seek My face at intervals throughout your day. I made you and I will sustain you.”

Such words bring me up short. They also allow me to exhale, breathe easy again.

This is a season for slowing down, a time to rest, recoup, recover, become restored. You may find yourself in a similar situation.

We can relax better into a season of rest when we realise how much God looks forward to us spending quality time with Him.

He longs to infuse fresh energy into weary bodies, instil new inspiration into dulled minds. God also requires our willing submission when His Spirit urges us to draw aside for a while, take a break with Him.

I need more rest, more of God’s best for me in every way, and I feel ready to relinquish my hold on other things to make it possible. Will you join me? 

We can meet up here again (and over at Words of Joy) and see what God has worked in us when we’ve become less concerned about our own accomplishments, or the lack thereof.

Forgive me for running way over time for my last #FMF and #letusgrow post for a while. The prompt, ‘rest’ was a beacon to my brain.

Here’s a tiny helping of haiku to set us up for more restful days ahead…

sleep haiku - poetry joy

Because he does it all for love’s sake

/ Joy Lenton / 17 Comments

celebration in Thailand 4

Let me tell you about my man. He’s not one of life’s movers and shakers, a risk or glory taker. He’s more of a shake-and-move-slow and an all-for-love’s-saker.

A man who played competitive football with zest, zeal and energy into his 50s. Only pausing to be able to take better care of me.

He was athletically inclined, sporty and strong, lithe and nimble, able and capable of doing most things he turned his practical hands to.

And now he bends under the strain of life’s burdens, the repercussions of workplace bullying and having a severe mental health breakdown; made lower still with spinal problems and Parkinson’s disease.

He’s too sick to hold down a job, but he is (thankfully) more mobile and capable than I am of taking care of the household tasks.

A lot of things have stopped him in his tracks. Life’s trials have emptied him of his previous vigour and vitality. Yet he gives to me so freely and willingly.

Because his heart is full. Full of love and care and kindness and compassion. Full of faithfulness. My man is tender, loving and servant-hearted, exemplifying Jesus to me.

We struggle on together. And during this week when M.E has a greater international awareness than usual, I wanted to write in praise of him. Most M.E sufferers would find their lives far more challenging without assistance from their carers. And he is that for me, despite his own disabilities.

My man may not be publicly acclaimed. He isn’t one to seek the limelight. He may not be much in the eyes of society, but he means the world to me.

My love – this poem is for you, with deep gratitude for all you are and all you do each and every day…

All for love’s sake

love is - all for love's sake PJ poem pin

He climbs the hill that grows

ever steeper by the week

Breath escapes in gasps as he pauses

now, aware of curious glances

But conscious more of his own

growing astonishment; how did

he come to this? A man made

small, constrained in movement

that once felt fluid, as smooth

as water – rendered turgid

And still he presses on because

errands need to be run, and

his are the legs to reach their

destination with comparative ease

His wife relies on him in ways he

wishes didn’t exist; her life now

bound to the house with M.E

and his tied to love’s desires,

life’s great demands and needs

Devotion steels his spine again

He straightens an aching back

and faithfulness becomes

the rack on which he stretches out

Extending and spending himself

in numerous little ways

as one who willingly acts,

he shakes – though firm with resolve,

giving his all for love’s sake

©JoyLenton2016

awareness_ribbons for ME

An often overlooked aspect of raising awareness for M.E  and chronic illness is not only our need for extra help and support with life’s daily tasks, but  also publicly acknowledging the ones who actually and actively meet that need for us. Hopefully my words have helped you to see a slice of life from the carer’s side as well, although everyone’s circumstances will differ, of course.

International ME Awareness Day is on May 12th, 2016. The whole month is devoted to it too.

Thank you for reading, and for your patience with the paucity of posts of late. I may not have had much spare energy to write here as often as I used to, but you can find me spilling forth words at my main site – Words of Joy – instead. I’d love to see you there. 🙂 x

A moment in time

/ Joy Lenton / 8 Comments

seeking and finding PJ

Some moments are frozen in time, stilled in sense and sight. Etched on our minds and engraved in our memories.

I’m remembering a week when my beloved was away for a few days and (very thoughtfully) provided me with meals in the freezer.

All lovingly home-cooked and pre-prepared ahead of time. Yes I know, I’m one blessed woman!

There was even a typed list of what to find where and how to deal with it. How’s that for organisation?

He takes such good care of me; his hands willing to work on my behalf since he lost paid employment, and despite having developed Parkinson’s disease over the last 2 years.

Thankfully, he can still do most things he used to do before his diagnosis, albeit slower, with a degree of pain and fatigue.

I’m not completely helpless in a kitchen. I can muster up coffee, breakfast and a snack, but I am unused to coping alone with main meals.

Because cooking and cleaning are lost arts to me since I’ve become more chronically unwell with arthritis, fibromyalgia and M.E.

I can’t stand for long,  lift or carry much, can only walk a few steps unaided,  experience a great deal of muscle and joint pain plus profound fatigue on a daily basis, cognitive problems, brain fog and hypersensitivity to light and sound.

Thankfully, my husband actually loves to cook because he’s pretty good at it and preparing meals relaxes him.

We may live a rather limited life compared to some, yet we are grateful for small mercies and experience moments of  joy in little things.

The poem below speaks about my determination to press past my problems and push myself to enjoy a moment in time – although it’s not a recommended practice for those with M.E to extend themselves too much. Sadly, there’s always a payback afterwards. 😦

A moment in time

a moment in time laundry PJ

It’s only a moment in time

as I heed the inner need

to step outside a while

My senses alert to burgeoning

life as I peg laundry to line

I feel warm sun rays

playing on my face

like a heaven’s breath

benediction of grace

Whistling wind whips swift

tussling through hair and

trees, its resonant notes

vibrating each green leaf

Echoed in chiming ice-cream

van, roaming nearby streets,

while ‘sun has got its hat on’

sounds make children fleet of feet

My arms and legs ache so

with every move I make

And this bitter-sweet task

is no mean feat for me

Although washing is often

dried inside, today I yield,

follow my heart’s yearning,

welcoming embrace of Spring

©JoyLenton2015

a moment in time PJ pin

**I’m editing and sharing this pre-prepared post I’d intended to share last year, because my health remains rather challenging at the moment and fresh inspiration is a bit thin on the ground. Hopefully normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. Thank you for your grace! ** 🙂

Getting ready to dance

/ Joy Lenton / 17 Comments

getting ready to dance PJ

There are times when I’d love to be able to dance again.

I miss being able to move freely.

To have a co-operative, healthy body with energy buzzing through me.

The last time I attempted to dance was at a wedding, ironically to Abba’s ‘Dancing Queen’.

It was more of a one-song-wonder than anything else and I couldn’t quite put my all into it either.

Little did I know it would be my swansong as a dancer.

I’m not trained or gifted in any way, but I’ve always enjoyed dancing and took it for granted that I always would.

What followed was a serious relapse in my previously moderate M.E symptoms, rendering them severe by overdoing things.

It was many years ago. I’ve not been able to dance since.

I watch and I smile when others do, and I say it’s okay because I’m dancing on the inside.

Yet one day I know I will dance for real. Be held by and hold onto my soul’s Lover.

I’ll be ready, willing and able to move freely again.

Here’s my five-minute-friday way of dancing with words..

Ready to dance

I’m a pale wallflower

hiding in the corner

Biding my time watching

the way others dance and sway

My feet have forgotten

how to dance, but still

they tap lightly to the beat

My body too weary to move

I fail to get into the groove

Who would want to dance

you see, with a woman bent

and bowed by having M.E?

flower

And then I see You

standing there with a

look at once safe and

loving, so familiar

You smile and reach out

for my reluctant hand

as I wobble up and finally

stand, looking only into

Your face as you bring me

close into a warm embrace

ca. 2003 --- Hand Reaching --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

Whispering endearments

to my hurting heart,

saying this is only the very

start of a lifetime journey

You are bringing me to

where I’ll run and

I’ll skip and I’ll

laugh with joy, and

I’ll always get to

dance with you

girl dancing

We move to the gentle

rhythm of Your grace

and I sense a loosening

in my soul, a warm

flush rising to my face

as energy unknown flows

and rushes through

this body of mine, now

made complete and whole

©JoyLenton2015

You’re warmly invited to join in with the regular #FMF word dance going on at Kate Motaung’s place.

We skate around perfection, move to the beat of our clocks as we write freely for five minutes – I went over a little here.

Just bring your words and join in the fun. We’d love to see you there. 🙂

Shades of purple

/ Joy Lenton / 8 Comments

shades of purple

Life is a rich variety of colours, shading dark to light, dull to bright.

And we experience the same as emotions of joy and pleasure soon seep into sadness and pain.

When we live with invisible illness, like Fibromyalgia, M.E and Arthritis, it can be hard for others to appreciate the way it colours our outlook and darkens days with its brooding presence.

I love the colour purple, and because it is also the shade chosen to represent Fibromyalgia awareness, I have an even closer affinity with it.

The butterfly symbol reminds me that I can float free of my circumstances as I seek treatment and help, support and relief.

When I rest in God’s healing powers and soothing waters of grace, my mind and body are more at peace.

He binds up our wounds, grants us grace to live with pain and to sense His presence in our darkest times.

BUTTERFLY symbol for Fibro

Shades of Purple

Ringed black and blue

visible wounding

heavy bruised stain

seeping into skin

with tender, throbbing pain

But you wound internal

pulsating deep

Fibro fingers

prodding, poking, pain

that always lingers

Morning stiff

to greet the dawn

making body stumble

movement slow

with risk of tumble

Purple prose

swallowed down

as limbs grind painful

muscles sore, gait unsteady,

awkward, shameful

Echoes of dark

bleeding out of day

escorting in the night

with sleep-elusive sigh

as body seizes tight

Purple-coloured robes

draping royal and holy

a mantle of love

covering aches and pains

with grace from above

Shades of purple

tinged with layers of faith,

bringing strength and healing

as God’s heavenly light

shines with Hope revealing

©JoyLenton2013

**NOTE** –  Sadly, my weary brain wouldn’t co-operate and let me write a new poem today, therefore I’ve chosen one which originally appeared in a Words of Joy post.

But as it was written in just over five minutes it seems a suitable one to choose for today’s #write31days and #fiveminutefreewrites prompt:‘purple’.  The rest of the prompts for October can be found here. You can also catch up with more of  these posts at my Words of Joy site.

shades of purple PJ pin

Having an autumnal heart

/ Joy Lenton / 10 Comments

autumnal bench

Leaves are singing their swansong, a drifting dance of death as they fall to ground.

Some float freely, still retaining some buoyancy and remnants of yellowing life.

Others scatter on the wind as crisped golden-russet confetti flakes.

Fit only to be trodden on, while we wait for bridal snow to appear as winter hovers on the threshold.

And my soul sits heavy some days, a slow dying on the inside whenever M.E fatigue droops me to bed, reddens these eyes and forces a body to lean into rest.

Oh how I need enlivening on days when the spark seems missing! Maybe you do too, my friend? Let’s pray…

Dear Lord,

I feel autumnal dry, parched on the inside.

Begin with my heart. Set it on fire with your enlivening spark.

Let it take root there, at the centre of all things, deep in my soul where you make me whole.

Fan into flame my feeble frame. Stir this dust into something more than ashes.

Give a kiss of life to my lethargic mind.

Sweep out the cobwebs. Make room for a shift in perspective.

Teach my soul to sing a new song. Ready me to receive renewed joy of my salvation.

And whisper close. Hold me as I muse on these muddy, maladroit days.

Remind me that Love is always with me; I only need to see and open my heart to receive it.

Then let me be seated, at rest in Love’s embrace.

Wait to be filled to overflowing until I am ready to be poured out again.

Thank you.

Amen.

A vessel to be filled

Lord Jesus come,

to my autumnal heart

I need your Love

Without it I wither,

curl up small and die

on the inside

crumble, fall apart

My light and life weaken

without the infilling and

spilling – I desperately need

restoration by radiance

Flood my being with

searing heat of grace

the fierce warm fire

of your Love’s embrace

Here I stand with

aching, empty hands

ready and willing

to accept and receive

A vessel to be filled

then give out freely and

help others to believe

©JoyLenton2015

Linking here with Holley at Coffee for Your Heart and Jennifer at Tell His Story

autumnal heart prayer pin

On saying yes

/ Joy Lenton / 16 Comments

SAMSUNG

There are days where tears bleed as rain and my soul feels swallowed whole by weakness and pain.

I waft into insubstantial shadow, blurred outline, smudged nothingness.

Missing the usual places of validation where my insecure soul gets fed.

Finding that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) has come sooner to my world as autumnal weather drifts early into our shores, rendering me a mess of emotions.

Needing to stay still, lay down body, hopes and desires. Surrender and sink into unconditional Love’s embrace.

And as I’ve been alternately surrendering and resisting deep soul rest, I sense God asking me to say yes to so many things.

It’s not easy at all, more like a dying on the inside, a howl of outrage and fear of missing out, anxiety over losing acceptance.

Because who am I if I don’t have a face, a voice, connection and a presence on social media?

Who am I? A woman who feels likes she’s drowning in her own seeming insignificance, apparently.

Nevertheless, I am slowly surrendering my need of people approval and leaning into His alone.

And finally beginning to stop begrudging this season of ceasing, of pulling back, of being an edge dweller.

Because deep inside? This hurting child knows that her Father’s wishes are ones to heed, and she whispers her reply.

Yes to being on the margins of life when I’m too weary to participate.

Yes to having deep dependence on Him day by day.

Yes to finding worth and value, significance and strength in Him alone.

Yes to His timing and His plans, and yes to seeking after His heart rather than any other.

Saying yes

I don’t want to say yes

to being insignificant,

small; I don’t want to let

go of desiring to have it all

In saying yes to less

I’m inviting obscurity

to define me more than

any worldly success

Then I remember how you

laid down your heavenly

crown, came manger-wrapped

as a tiny one who never stopped

being God’s only begotten Son

You chose to stay humble

walk a challenging road

bearing our burdens and

sin’s heavy load, while your path

led you to suffering on a cross

with a willing yes as you bore

humanity’s pain and dross

Now with arms open to

all mankind, you welcome

us into a significant life

marked by surrender and

being small, saying yes

to life’s best yes of all

©JoyLenton2015

saying yes PJ pin

Friend, if life or your own thoughts are giving you a hard time too, may I suggest you dive deeper into God’s love for you? Resting in His love is the only place where we can feel safe, protected and truly accepted.

I wasn’t going to write today. Because words haven’t been flowing freely lately and I’ve been way too tired to think straight. Maybe you’re there too? Perhaps you can remember, along with me, that it’s not a permanent place, just a pausing point and breathing space.

But God had other ideas as He planted a few lines of this poem into my mind while I was dreamily drifting. And He gave me the ability and grace to write the rest out of my imperfection and weakness, and also say a heartfelt yes to participating with the lovely five-minute-friday community as they explore the power of ‘Yes’ today. Come join us?